Career & The City

This morning a friend of mine posted a graphic with this quote on Facebook, and I immediately fell in love with it. It probably won't surprise you when I say I'm a firm believer in taking risks and pushing yourself to do things that scare you. Now, it's never fun in the immediate term, but when I look back on my life, the things that have had the greatest impact were moments where I pushed myself to be brave and take a chance. When I liked / commented on / shared this Facebook post this morning, I had no idea that only a few hours later a friend of mine would have an encounter that would bring this very quote into sharp relief.

I've talked about my friend Tausha before (in this post on rolling with the punches and not "planning" your career), and frankly I'll probably talk about her a lot more in the future, a) because she's one of my best friends and b) because she's just freaking amazing and I admire her a lot. The low-down with Tausha is that she's an internal communications professional by day and an avid traveler and travel blogger by night/weekend/holiday. She's visited more than 30 countries, and yes I am jealous.

On this very night, Tausha found herself at the New York Times Travel Show in NYC. As she was wandering the show floor with a friend, she spotted her childhood travel idol, Samantha Brown, and immediately started fangirling.

Naturally, when you spot a famous person or someone you've idolized for a while, the tendency is to get a bit nervous and clam up. I know when I admire someone or have built them up in my mind, I lose my ability to engage in conversation, and clear thinking immediately goes out the window. With this in mind, I wasn't surprised to hear that, while Tausha was brave enough to approach Samantha and say hello, her adrenaline-infused encounter caused her to get in and get out without maximizing the opportunity.

This is when Tausha texted me and here's how our conversation went:

Tausha: I just met Samantha Brown!

Gabby: OMG, isn't she the best? (Editor's note: I had met her a few times while working at Disney)

Tausha: I kind of didn't have much to say because I'm lame. I introduced myself and said how much I loved watching her growing up. Then I mentioned her new show and that was it.

Gabby: Brave girl! Good for you!

Tausha: Well I kind of hung around like a stalker until she had to acknowledge me, but then I had nothing to say.

Gabby: Ahh, you should get business cards for your blog so in situations like this you could have handed her one and been like, check out my blog lady!

Tausha: The things is I do. I just blanked. I have business cards in my purse. But if I see her again...

Gabby: I was just typing that! I mean, maybe she'll check it out and tweet about it and BAM! Globe Getter TV show.

Tausha: I wanted to say hi, but I didn't want to appear like I was after something. Boo I messed up.

Before we continue, let's dissect this situation just a bit more. First of all, despite feeling like she "messed up," Tausha already did what many people in her situation would not. She worked up the courage to place herself in the path of a person she wanted to talk to -- and someone she actively looked up to, at that -- and made a point of introducing herself and showcasing that she was familiar with things happening in that person's life.

The missing puzzle piece here is that Tausha left the conversation before allowing it to develop into a "so what?" By that I mean, particularly at a networking event, people expect you to come up and talk to them. And taking that a step further, they also expect that you'll be coming up to talk to them for a specific reason.

I think a lot of us feel uncomfortable with networking, because we view it as a supposedly one-sided interaction, i.e. I want to meet you / talk to you / get to know you, because you have something of value to give me. But the truth is that all relationships are two-sided, and if we can actively remember all of the things WE have to offer in return, all of a sudden it becomes an interaction based on mutual gain. This notion gives us way more confidence in approaching someone we'd like to get to know, and this is when the real magic of networking happens.

In this case, Tausha and I continued our text conversation, and after some prompting, she realized that she had two paths forward for the remainder of the night. Path #1 would be leaving the travel show and looking back on the opportunity, wishing she had handled it differently (this was the easier choice, by the way). Path #2 involved actively looking to re-write her story and leave the event feeling proud of herself and the outcome she created.

I bet you can guess which path Tausha chose.

Over the next half hour, Tausha was strategic and resourceful in her approach, unlike her first emotion-fueled attempt. Thinking Sam might be hanging out in the speakers lounge, she found a way to position herself nearby, and when she saw Samantha leave the room and start packing her purse, she swooped in.

"When I saw her, I started to get nervous and I started sweating, and I thought, I can't go up to her while I'm all sweaty," Tausha says. "But then I thought I could walk away, or I could just get this done. And I got it done."

Tausha gently re-approached Samantha, reintroduced herself and with her nervousness in check, gave the speech she wished she'd given the first time. She told Sam all about how she inspired her to start a travel blog, that the premise was around keeping your full-time job and still being able to travel the world, and that she had really hoped to give Samantha her business card.

This simple gesture turned into a 5-minute conversation that Samantha instigated about the Philippines - a destination Tausha had just returned from, but that Samantha had never visited: case in point of Tausha offering value back to Sam. This conversation resulted in the two of them walking to the exit together as Sam went to get in her car and leave, and before she departed, she gave Tausha a warm goodbye, saying she hoped to "see her around" in the future.

"I’m so glad that I went back and looked for her and didn’t just think, I should have done this," Tausha says. "If it leads to something great, if it doesn’t fine, but at least I did it."

If approaching Samantha Brown was difficult for Tausha the first time, approaching her again was probably twice as hard. But she found stores of courage, and it all worked out -- in fact, it went better than she could have imagined. Now Tausha has the opportunity to follow up with Samantha, send her a pointed Tweet and see what happens. If they happen to be at an event together in the future, Tausha can reference their chat about the Philippines and maybe, just maybe, Samantha will remember her. If we're just going off their first conversation, I can guarantee you Tausha never would have made a mark on Sam's memory.

The moral of this story is two-fold. Firstly, each of us has to spend some time re-wiring our brain about networking. We need to remember that each of us has something unique and special about us, and that there's always some aspect of value we can offer to the person we're engaging. Networking is about building relationships, and you build relationships by simultaneously giving of yourself AND receiving from the other person.

Secondly, most of the time, being brave results in good things. Can I guarantee that courage will always get you a positive result? Of course not. But even in Tausha's example, worst case scenario Samantha would have blown her off or showed some annoyance at her persistence. And if that had happened, Tausha probably would have realized that Samantha Brown wasn't the kind of person she wanted to idolize going forward.

And then her life would have gone on, no harm, no foul. We often blow the consequences of these things out of proportion to such an extent that we convince ourselves that trying isn't even worth it. Not the case.

Going to sleep tonight, I'm proud of Tausha, and I know she's proud of herself. And who knows? Maybe Sam will check out her blog and she'll wake up to an invitation from her newfound friend to join her for coffee. Only time will tell!

Your turn! How do you approach networking? Have you ever been in a situation where you wished you'd handled yourself differently? What did you take away from that moment as a lesson for the future? Share your thoughts and comments below!

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Gabrielle "Gabby" Bill is a career coach and consultant who believes everyone should be working in a job that leaves them feeling fulfilled. She coaches groups and individuals through a reflection process, uncovering often hidden motivations, values, goals and skills as they relate to their career. These reflections are then parlayed into concrete action plans to guide clients through the process of finding, creating and landing their dream jobs. You can learn more about her services by visiting www.gabriellebill.com.

Dating in the workplace is perhaps one of the trickiest subjects of all, because you're taking two of (arguably) the most important aspects of a person's life and making big decisions about whether or not they should intersect.

It's no surprise when I say that as an adult it can be harder and harder to meet other single people, so if you declare that you're never going to date someone you work with, you could potentially be closing yourself off to one of the few remaining avenues in which you're spending significant time with others of similar age, intelligence and income. Although these aren't necessarily important qualifications for everyone, for many there's an increased likelihood of success if the person they're interested is on a similar socioeconomic level.

Yet dating in the workplace can be dangerous, because it adds a highly emotional component to a space that, for many people, often requires a sort of cool, calm, logic-driven demeanor. I know my last company was very forthcoming in encouraging that I bring my "whole self" to work, but I still don't think they'd be thrilled if I couldn't get through a presentation because I was sobbing over my ex who was sitting at the other end of the boardroom.

I speak from personal experience when I say that dating someone at work is something I'd approach with increased caution, should I ever return to a more traditional 9-5, because I tried it twice and it ended badly both times. The first time I gave it a shot, I was a naive 22-year-old who had just started at Disney, and as the fairy tales go, an incredibly handsome Rico Suave type joined the team, and I fell victim to his charm. We didn't date for long -- 6 weeks, I think -- but a few things happened in that ever brief period of time.

1) Everyone in the office found out. It just so happened that this man's brother also worked in our office, so he knew, and with all the "water breaks" that the man himself took at my desk, it became sort of obvious that there was some level of beyond-work friendliness happening between us. I remember him actually being scolded once for distracting me too much, and there was one day that all I thought about for a good four hours was how I could lure him into the supply closet for a make-out session (it never happened, much to my dismay). There's no doubt I was distracted by his presence, and I'm sure it affected my work product to some degree.

2) It created awkwardness with my male boss. My boss clearly fell into the category of "everyone" that knew we were dating, and for some reason I think he felt it appropriate to try and "protect" me from this guy, whom he deemed not good enough for me. I remember him warning me not to get in too deep with him, and I had even heard through the grapevine that my boss had pressed the man's brother for details about how intimate our relationship had become. I realized then, just as much as now, that this conversation was entirely inappropriate, as my love life shouldn't have been a topic my boss broached in the first place, but I didn't act on it because I was stupid and somehow felt that by dating a co-worker I was asking for these things to happen. (Learn from my mistake on this one, and if ANYONE at the office ever engages in conversations that cross the line, please confide in someone and ensure that it stops. Something like this very easily could have turned into a sexual harassment issue.)

The second time I tried dating someone at work was again at Disney, but this time I was much older and, as I thought, wiser, so I assumed I'd have a better handle on making the relationship work. In some ways, I did. We did a much better job of letting only select people know that we were dating, and because we didn't work on the exact same floor or in the exact same building, we were able to keep our "water breaks" more hidden via instant messenger. The news of our dating thankfully did NOT spread like wildfire, and yet we felt comfortable holding hands or showing minor displays of affection in the presence of a core group of friends that knew we were together.

Where this one went wrong was in the break-up. I broke up with this man (and for a stupid reason, now that I have the blessing of hindsight), and things spiraled into an incredibly awkward mess. In the interim of our courtship, I had been transferred to the same building and floor, and the bathrooms so inconveniently were situated in between our desks. It became a sort of cat and mouse game where you had to pray that the other person wasn't walking to the bathroom at the exact same time, because when you did run into each other it wasn't pleasant. This ex of mine didn't take the break-up very well (and again, I understand why, and if I could apologize to him, I would), so when he saw me, he'd do a complete 180 and hurriedly rush in the opposite direction. It made coming to work sort of emotionally awful for both of us, because we'd keep running into each other and re-opening a painful wound.

Here's the thing, though. Just because it didn't work out for me doesn't mean it doesn't work out for others. One of my closest colleagues in my last role at Disney started dating a man on our team and managed to keep it super secretive for a really, really long time. Turns out they were a match made in heaven, got married and it was never an issue. Another woman on that same team is married to a high-up VP that leads another part of the marketing organization. In her case she has to make sure that she never directly reports up through her wife to avoid conflicts of interest, but the two of them have managed to stay happily married in spite of being near-colleagues.

At the end of the day, as I say with almost everything, you have to consider the course of action that's right for you. If you feel like you and your partner are really mature and could handle working side-by-side even if you break-up, then perhaps your risk of discomfort or embarrassment is lower. If you've been friends for a while, know each other well and are looking to take things to the next step, even better.

My only recommendation is that you have some frank discussions with your partner up front and come to decisions together about how you want to handle any issues that may arise. Do you want to conceal your relationship and for how long? When is it OK to discuss it in front of co-workers and how will you respond if you're directly asked about your relationship? How do you guys want to approach the workday in terms of your interactions, any displays of affection or increased time together (like during breaks or lunches)? The more you can have this conversation up front, the more you'll be prepared to handle whatever may come on the back-end.

Your turn! What is your stance on dating someone that you work with? If you've done it, how did it go?

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One of the cool things about being a career coach is that once people hear you're in this line of work, they become really interested in talking to you about their jobs. And that's great, because I find that even people who think they've had boring careers inevitably have experienced something super cool and unique that makes for a compelling story.

I'm motivated to pass along what I hear not only because people are unbelievably fascinating, but also because I'm on a mission to convince you that dream jobs exist. I've been chanting this mantra consistently, but people still look at me like I'm an alien talking about unicorns and pots of gold at the end of the rainbow. Clearly, additional evidence is needed to support my claim.

And that takes us to today and the very exciting launch of a brand new series of posts on Career & The City. A few times a month, I'll bring you stories of people whose careers deserve some time in the spotlight. Sometimes we'll talk about their career path; other times, we'll laser in on a topic or experience that might teach you something. With each of them, I hope you find a kernel of inspiration and maybe start clapping your hands in rapturous belief that fairies exist (OK, I'll settle for the former). No matter what, I'd love to hear your feedback and ask that you please send me a not e if you, or someone you know, would be a great candidate for this series.

The honor of being our very first Center Stage chica goes to my friend and former HBS colleague, Christina Appleton. I love Christina because she's like a living bubble laced with a disarming and wonderful undercurrent of sarcasm. From the moment you talk to her you can sense her effortless effervescence, but then just when you think she's an endless optimist, she'll throw in a barb that forces you into a state of eruptive laughter. It's a pleasure.

Why else do I love Christina? She's had an amazing, twisty-turny career.

It started off normal enough, as most careers do. Armed with a degree in psychology and sociology from Northwestern University, Christina marched straight into a prestigious brand management position at General Mills, worked there for three years, and right on schedule, went to business school. (In her words, "When you get into Harvard, you go to Harvard.")

Business school was fantastic, but her career plans didn't fall into place as expected. It started with an ill-fitting summer internship at Sony Corporate in New York where she learned that business development was not her thing. Thinking perhaps she should try the creative side of the entertainment industry, her story continued with a painful post-graduation job hunt in California where she spent most of her time in a tiring commute from San Diego to LA for interviews. As a Harvard Business School graduate with an impressive, classically-trained CPG background, this wasn't the happy ending Christina thought she was in for.

Things took a turn for the better when, after a year and a half, Christina snagged a job working with Fox Sports in LA. She was given the awesome opportunity to develop and grow a brand new program - Fox Creative University - that combined sports, marketing, business savvy and both on- and off-air campaigns. As expected, she ran with it -- until it starting running her.

The program grew rapidly, to the point where she could no longer manage it on her own. Rather than give up, Christina hung on, developing ideas to continue to grow the program, while simultaneously making it more manageable for her life. Her leadership team shut her out. It became clear that they didn't truly care about Christina's happiness or sanity, and this felt like a slap in the face after all she had dedicated to the work. When she couldn't take it anymore, she quit without another job to go to.

This was a turning point for Christina. She had spent the last three years searching for her "place" in the working world, and ultimately, wasn't finding the satisfaction she craved. But pinpointing what was missing was tough. Wisely, she took a much-needed break to reflect, and what she discovered surprised her.

Christina comes from three generations of familial entrepreneurs, but had always told herself that the small business world was the very last thing she wanted to experience. Her great-grandparents had started a family grocery store, which her parents ran while she was growing up, but as an adolescent Christina had noticed more challenges with the lifestyle than benefits.

"My parents never took a vacation, and anytime something happened, it was always their problem to solve," she says. "Working at General Mills, at the end of the day if you screw up, it's just cereal. But for them it seemed like a very difficult life."

It was funny, then, that as Christina reflected, she couldn't get start-ups off her mind. She realized one of the most important things in her work was the ability to truly make an impact, influence a business and "matter" to the company. She was tired of feeling like a replaceable cog in a giant wheel, constantly at the whim of decisions made for her by a faceless c-suite executive who would never know her name.

Of course, moving to a start-up or small business would solve for this problem, but would also mean facing some of her previous fears: things like not having work/life balance and being directly responsible for the consequences (or successes!) of her decisions. Scared or not, she leapt toward the challenge.

For her first role, she took a job doing marketing, sales and operations for a weight loss startup, mostly because they were able to pay their employees -- something not many early-stage companies can do. After a few months, she transitioned to an interior design company, and about 8 months ago (it's commonplace for start-up employees to change jobs frequently), she took a job at the rapidly growing online health retailer, Thrive Market, where she leads merchandising and purchasing. And she loves it.

For Christina, the start-up world has provided the symbiotic work environment that she craved. She's free to dig in deep, make a big difference and grow her skills as she tackles challenges for which the path is unpaved. In return, she brings to the table a stellar resume with experience dealing with big personalities, unwieldy corporations and massive cross-functional teams.

And her fears about decision making and work/life balance? Unfounded. Christina had developed "rules" for herself based on things she observed or from what was "en vogue" at the time, but had never actually put herself in situations in which she could test the validity of these thoughts. When confronted with the challenges head-on, she realized neither actually bothered her, and in fact, they excited her.

"I sit and look at our e-commerce back-end and I'm changing pricing and putting together categories," she says with glee in her voice. "Plus, I realized that I don't need work/life balance. I actually want work to be a big part of my life."

Christina doesn't pretend that start-up life is perfect and readily admits that it can be tumultuous, but in her mind the risks are worth the reward. She envisages herself as the operationally-minded businesswoman that comes into a team of creative dreamers and "creates order out of chaos." She's fired up by the chance to shape the foundational structure the company will need to support the growth they crave and loves seeing the immediate impact of her decisions.

These days at Thrive, Christina's role focuses on negotiating with warehouses, managing inventory levels and pricing, and ultimately aiming to create the best customer experience possible. Her aim is to stay in start-ups as long as the market allows, ultimately moving into a COO-type role where she can use her strong project management skills to focus on a business' operations. She feels challenged and excited by her work every day, and for the first time, can say she's one of those people that loves reporting to the office.

I asked Christina if she would share her advice for breaking into the start-up world, and she offered these five tips:

"Throw out all of your expectations about who your coworkers are, who they should be and what work looks like. Going from an environment where everybody was an MBA or came from a top college program, we were all taught to approach or solve problems in a similar way. Going into start-ups maybe one or two other people have an MBA. You have to learn that just because you’re used to everyone approaching things the same way doesn’t mean it’s the best way."
Recognize that "every single start-up founder is crazy. The thing you'll find is that they’re all crazy in their own way. Understand the kind of crazy you’re ok with. Talk to as many people as you can. Whatever seems less weird and not so bad to you is who you should work for."
When you're negotiating your offer, you have to choose to negotiate for equity or for salary, not both. "If you don't have to worry about the cash flow as much, it’s most important to negotiate the equity side. If it was all about salary for me, I would have gone and worked for McKinsey like everyone else. On the other side, I have friends who are single and they focus more on the salary. [Figure out] what’s the bottom line that you need [cash-wise] to pay your bills and to save in case it goes under."
"You can be a structured person in the start-up world. Maybe I just missed that page in business school, but it wasn't clear to me. People think there’s only a need for big dreamer, creative types, but every start-up is going to become an actual business. They need someone to focus the big dreamers and get them to think about economics and ROI; how to make this an actual business."
"You have no data about what you’re getting into when you’re going to a start-up. When you join a corporation you can talk to people, you can research what it’s like to work there, but none of that information exists at a start=up. You have to just take a leap and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t. Know when it's [time to stay] and when to cut your losses."

If you'd like to connect with Christina directly or have additional questions about start-up life, you can reach out to her on LinkedIn or via email.

Now it's your turn. If you've worked at a start-up, do you agree with Christina's advice? Has your experience been markedly different? If you want to work at a start-up, what are your biggest concerns or questions? Let me know in the comments section below!

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If you believe that the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator offers anything of value (which I do, but apparently studies have shown it's a bunch of gobbledygook), then the fact that I'm an INTJ will tell you a lot about my personality. And while I've fluctuated over the years between E and I, N and S (that's extraversion versus introversion and intuitive versus sensing for those not familiar), I have absolutely, 100% always been a J.

J stands for judging, and confusingly, has nothing to do with how judgmental you are and more to do with how you like to live your life. J people prefer plans, structure, order, organization and sticking to decisions once they've been made. P people (the opposite of J's) prefer spontaneity, flexibility, adaptability and staying open minded as new information comes in.

If you know I'm an INTJ, you'll understand more clearly why I flinch in pain when you cancel our date at the last minute, or why I obsessively clean and organize my desk before I sit down and start my work. It's also why I write all of my engagements down in a paper calendar, why I have my workouts planned a week in advance and why I'm known to build daily (sometimes hourly) schedules for my vacations. These behaviors drive P people crazy, but J's like me find comfort in control.

Here's the downside. While us J people are excellent party planners, reliable partners in a relationship and the people least likely to forget a birthday, anniversary or important detail, we absolutely suck at dealing with, and embracing, the unknown. In fact, we overcompensate in these moments of uncertainty by reverting to what we do best: planning. And what tends to come along with the planning? Worry that the plan will fall through.

I read an analogy recently that helps bring this concept to life, and it goes a little something like this:

Would you feel foolish wearing your winter coat in the summer? We all know that winter comes every year, but most of us don't walk out our doors in July wearing a wool coat simply because we know that three or six months from now it could be cold enough to need one.

Yet, we do this routinely with our emotions. We anticipate the future and react emotionally as if "what we fear is imminent." With our winter coats, we know it's good enough to have one in the closet, and when it's time to wear it, we can take it out. But with our emotions, we make ourselves miserable anticipating the future, instead of waiting and dealing with what the future brings when it actually happens.

Now let's bring this concept to our careers.

I found my inspiration for this article from another post written by a (very well known, well-respected) coach. Her post was titled "Travel is terrible for your career," and in it she talks about how people who travel are "wasting their time," how it makes you look like you were incapable of getting a job, or perhaps worst of all, gives the appearance that you're a wanderer without a plan.

I haven't read enough of her content to know whether this is representative of her approach, but I do take issue with a lot of what she says here (including her judgmental tone and supposition that her experiences are applicable to everyone). That said, what really got me going was this concept that you must have a plan for your career or be forever doomed. Please. One of my beliefs is that we are absolutely foolish to be teaching teenagers and young adults that you have to have a "life plan" by the time you're 21. Or 31. Or 41. That's ludicrous and unrealistic. Most people need to gain lots of life experience, put their skills into practice and actually explore multiple careers before they know what they like, and even then, we are constantly changing and adapting as we learn more about the world and ourselves.

Remember how I said that I'm a J and there's nothing I love more than planning, structure and organization? And remember how I said that it means I love control and really suck at dealing with the unknown? Well even though these hold true for nearly every aspect of my life, I'm now going to tell you that I don't believe in trying to plan out my career.

I used to. In fact, I started with a plan. When I was 18, I just knew I was going to be the Editor-in-Chief of People Magazine someday. Only, when I was 20, I laughed at that plan and said, that was silly because I just know I'm going to be the CEO of The Walt Disney Company. And then, seven years later, that plan flew out the window too. I never planned to move to Philadelphia. I never planned to get laid off, to start my own business or to become a career coach. Circumstances changed, I changed, and no matter how much I planned, I didn't see any of these things coming. Yet they did, and each of them brought valuable learnings and lessons to my life.

When I look at the careers of my friends, I see similar stories. My brilliant friend Tausha started her career at a large media conglomerate, and if you spoke to her then, she probably would have told you the entertainment industry was where she wanted to stay. But fast forward 10 years, an international Master's and a highly-successful travel blog later (it's called The Globe Getter...check it out!), and Tausha finds herself working in the travel division of a large organization in the financial services industry. Could she have guessed this would happen, or that the results would align in such a perfect pairing of her strengths and passions? Nope.

Then there's my friend Lauren. She started as a media planner at a small agency - a job that she hated. She also spent some time working for a large hotel, and almost by accident, wound up joining a huge online corporation in ad sales. As the years passed, she wound up moving into training and development roles, and now she's on the cusp of (yet another) massive promotion that'll put her in charge of things she never dreamed she'd be running.

The truth is that I speak to so many people as a career coach who feel terrible and lost because they've wandered off the plan they set for themselves, whether that plan was set based on their college major or something they dreamed up later in their career. Something happens that triggers a change, and they find that they're no longer passionate about, or inspired by, the work they do. These people come to me and tell me they feel broken or like they're betraying themselves, because all of a sudden their life is pushing them in a direction they hadn't planned. We're so conditioned to believe that we have to choose one, single career and pursue it with gusto for 45 years that when a kink reveals itself, rather than being trained to embrace it, we feel fear, guilt and shame.

We're well-intentioned with the plans we make, and we've been taught by employers who love to ask where we see ourselves in 5, 10 or 15 years that these details hold importance. But for many people, expertly-crafted and detailed ideas of the "path" your career will take can turn out to be harbingers of rigidity or negative feelings that don't serve you.

When I think about my career, I've found that learning to let go of my desire to over-engineer has provided me with a rush of freedom. Instead of focusing on what's next, I'm focusing on what's now. I'm taking energy I was wasting on worry and devoting it to making my present day fulfilling, rewarding and a learning experience. Ultimately, I believe that those actions will guide me toward the "right" next step in my career, when I'm ready to take that step.

Before we go, I want to make sure one thing is clear: By me saying that I no longer "plan" my career, I'm not implying or suggesting that plans and goals are a lost cause. Setting goals and creating a vision are hallmark coaching techniques, and for many people, the mere act of thinking about where they see themselves can put them on a trajectory toward making their vision a reality. Rather, my point is that our goals and plans change, so trying to figure out your whole life at 21, or make decisions with long-range goals in the back of your mind could back-fire if you don't remain flexible and open to opportunities that arise unexpectedly.

I say go on, set goals, and if you want to, continue to make plans. Just recognize that if you wake up one morning and your goal needs to change, it doesn't mean you're confused, lost or broken. It means you're human, and it means you've grown. And that's something to embrace.

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This is a really tough post to write.

Why? Because first and foremost, I've worked in a toxic environment (in fact on more than one occasion), so I can relate to the subject matter, and it's hard not to let those old emotions rise back to the surface.

Second, in my opinion there's little worse than getting up, day after day, and dragging your body to a job that you hate. Or a job where you're criticized. Or harassed. Or reprimanded so consistently that you start to question whether you have any skills, strengths or redeemable qualities at all.

Finally, an environment like that makes you feel shitty while you're at work, and if I were a betting woman, I'd guess you feel pretty shitty at home, too. As much as we try to convince ourselves that our professional and personal lives are distinct spheres, it's just not the case. They're intertwined, and what happens in one affects the other. Period, end of sentence.

One of my very best friends is smack in the middle of a situation that she readily admits is toxic, and she feels stuck. People all around her are quitting their jobs, her boss is monitoring her every move (even though she's a trustworthy, consistent high performer) and the woman leading her organization puts on a "face" for the public, then belittles her employees behind closed doors. She's at her wit's end, is applying for lots of jobs and really just doesn't know what else to do.

We spent more than an hour talking about her job the other night, and at the end of our chat she asked me to write a blog post with advice for people who aren't sure whether or not they should leave their toxic job. I thought about it, and knocking the post idea to the side for a moment, wanted to reach through the phone, march into her office and tell her company just how little they deserved her. I HATE seeing her in such pain.

But then I put my coaching hat on, tucked my personal feelings back where they belonged and told her this: I love the idea, but in coaching we believe (more often than not) that advice is dangerous. Advising someone to do something based on my personal values is counter to the foundation of coaching, which believes you need to take actions that align with your personal values. Especially in such a precarious situation as this, I could be doing a lot of damage if I told someone to quit their job and a result of them following my advice something negative happened.

Of course, I still want to help, so instead I've put together four steps that I hope will inspire anyone wrestling with this situation, and help them take a step back and evaluate the many alternatives they could pursue to bring about change.

Step 1: Create a vision of your ideal job. Write it down, maybe draw a picture, color it in.

When I say this to people, it often results in some funny looks, because they aren't used to thinking in terms of "ideals" (especially if their ideal job is to be a rockstar and they're a 45-year-old accountant). Trust me for a moment. Dreaming, using your imagination and envisioning what your perfect day on the job would look and feel like creates hope. It makes you feel excited and inspired, even if that outcome never comes to pass. And for someone that goes into work every day and feels awful, finding that source of hope can be a powerful motivator.

Step 2: Evaluate your ideal and figure out how your current job differs from your vision (even if that's theoretically).

Let's take the rockstar example. One of the key differences between being an accountant and a rockstar is the ability to be creative. Or the ability to work outside of an office setting. Note the differences you discover, because they'll be key criteria for you to look for when/if you start hunting for new jobs.

Step 3: Think about all of the different ways you could remove the toxic aspect from your job.

Have a toxic manager that treats you poorly? Do they have the potential to improve? If yes, could you speak to them about your concern and share a course or article you've found on remedying the issue at hand? If not, could you move to a different manager that would treat you with more respect?

Hate the tasks you're doing everyday? Is the company big enough that you could move into a different functional area? Or, if it's a small company, could you pitch a new role to the executive team and create a job for yourself that would give you more pleasure? Could you suggest a rotation with another colleague looking for a change and give BOTH of you the chance to use your skills more effectively?

Step 4: Examine what you've learned, how you feel, make a decision and make a plan.

You might realize that in evaluating your situation more thoroughly there are a few different options you could try that would remove the toxicity. Maybe your efforts will work, maybe they won't, but particularly for people who don't have the luxury of just quitting their job, these small wins may make things a little more bearable (at maximum, they'll work better than you thought).

It may come to pass after all of this reflection that you do feel that leaving is the best choice, and in that case, I encourage you to set a goal, and develop your plan to meet that goal. Maybe for the next 6 months, you'll devote 5 hours a week to the job search, and you'll cut back on X expenses so you can save up X -- a buffer that would let you quit your job and stay afloat for X months.

Whatever the terms, build something that works for you and your lifestyle, but get specific and push yourself to set a deadline.

Ultimately, here's the good news. Most toxic work environments don't last forever because YOU are in the driver's seat of your own life. You have the power to make change happen, even if it takes time, so if you commit to creating a better situation for yourself, you can and you will.

This is going to sound SO cheesy, but as a Disney fanatic, I just have to end with this analogy. Remember the scene where Peter Pan is trying to teach Wendy, John and Michael how to fly? He instructs them to "think of the happiest things -- it's the same as having wings." When the children shift their mindset to wonderful things, wonderful things happen as a result. Sure, they need a sprinkle of pixie dust to help them along (because thoughts alone might not be quite enough!), but it's their own shift in mindset that activates what they previously thought was impossible.

On that note, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly. Believe in yourself. I do.

_________________________________________________________________________________

THE POWER OF COURAGE

ARE RELATIONSHIPS IN THE WORKPLACE A DO OR A HELL NO?

CENTER STAGE: CHRISTINA APPLETON OF THRIVE MARKET

WHERE DO I SEE MYSELF IN FIVE YEARS? I HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE...

SHOULD YOU LEAVE YOUR TOXIC WORK ENVIRONMENT?

LET'S STAY IN TOUCH!

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